First Winter
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The night sky was a lagoon of melted tangerine and licorice. With one gloved hand shielding her nose from the bristly snow, Alice Cheng drew her cell phone out of her coat pocket to check for the time. Ten minutes left before curfew, she screamed in her head, shuffling through the snow as fast her oversized boots could take her.
After successfully dodging the hall-mistress’s nags about being back on time, she made a dash for the elevator. Her fingers tingled from the sudden burst of warmth. She could barely feel a thing as she mopped the fog off her lenses. If only she could remove the fog from her eyes too, she chided herself. When Alice returned to her room, her roommate asked her how things went with Ashim. “Oh, I don’t know,” she sighed, poking at one of the moldy brown apples he had given her a long time ago. “I have no idea what to tell you.” * * *
Alice had met Ashim Bekbusunov on the first day of English class at H. Wieck International School after a round of introductions. After that, all she saw was his posterior view: broad shoulders and messy, brown hair. She had only became truly aware of his presence after his week-long absence, when she found herself being able to see the whiteboard without the obstruction of his head.
When he was back, she slipped into the seat next to him and gave him a list of homework and readings to help him catch up. I have no idea why I just did that, Alice thought as she felt his eyes trailing after her as she returned to her seat. A few days later, Ashim approached her outside of class. He stopped in front of her and smiled. “Can I have your email address, please?” Alice gaped back up at him. Such pale, creamy skin, she noticed. Like the foam on a cappuccino. Still smiling, Ashim handed a notepad to her. “Sure,” she croaked. It’s just for homework purposes, she hissed in her mind as she fumbled in her bag for a pen. As she wrote her email address in her best writing, she glanced up to see Ashim grasping hands with a few other Russian boys. Was that some special kind of handshake? she wondered. As she handed the book back to Ashim, his friends eyed her up and down, muttering something about tripping. * * *
To celebrate her first real Canadian Halloween, Alice brought a bag of gummy lips to share with her classmates. With a mouth full of candy, Wemusa, her flamboyant Ugandan desk-mate, began talking unabashedly about his kissing fantasies. He turned to Alice expectantly, inviting her to join the conversation. That was when she accidentally spilled the jelly beans that she had never really dated, let alone kissed anyone.
First, there was silence. Thank God, Alice thought to herself, he’s going to let it go. “I could take you out,” Wemusa whispered. “But first, I am so going to take your first kiss, girl!” Wemusa announced loudly as he leaned over and planted his lips over her face. Alice ducked and squealed, enduring moist splatters on her hair and face. He continued to touch her face while puckering his lips uncomfortably close to her. On a fight-or-flight instinct, Alice hopped right out of her seat, almost tripping over her backpack. Then, an arm caught her in mid-air. Ashim was standing there, with one hand around her waist, and one hand calmly on Wemusa’s arm. God, he smells good. She wouldn’t mind being held like this for hours. “Chill, man,” he said in a soft, sonorous tone. Wemusa stared, and for once remained quiet before Mr. Kensington entered the classroom. * * *
Then, Ashim invited her to his residence. She didn’t ask him why he ended up living at Oak Hall, but she knew students living there were under surveillance. After lunch, they went for a walk to a convenience store. He took calm, stately strides while she skipped around him in the snow, pausing occasionally to draw smiley faces on ice- coated windows of parked cars. He held her hand all the way, keeping it toasty warm.
Armed with candy and chips, they returned to the residence. He showed her to the TV room and she sat on the fluffy blue couch as he went to fetch his laptop. In his absence, Alice quickly checked her reflection on the TV screen and tried to compose herself. As Alice was helping Ashim with his project, she couldn’t help being distracted by his scent as she leaned over to type on his laptop. When Ashim finally put his work aside and turned to face Alice, his closeness made her ramble. She alternated her gaze between Ashim and the apple he had given her earlier. He watched her, amused. “Did anyone tell you that you smell really good?” she blurted, instantly regretting her forwardness. That was when he leaned over and kissed her gently in the mouth, slowly drinking the breath out of her. It was tenderly sweet and smooth, like whipped peanut butter and caramel sauce. Alice felt that she could write a song about this kiss. “Oh, so that’s... how you do it,” she whispered in pure amazement, her eyelashes flittering against his face. “Thanks for saving me today, you know, in class.” He breathed sunshine against her cheeks, and she felt him smile. * * *
That evening, they walked behind the bus terminal and watched the trains go by every so often. Hands stuffed in her pockets, Alice twitched anxiously.
“You said so yourself that the drugs were affecting your grades. Why can’t you just quit once and for all? What if you had to choose between me or the - ” “Stop asking. Fine. I’ll try,” Ashim snapped. “Just let it go.” Alice pursed her lips as she trailed her gaze on the fog of her breath. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” she pleaded. “It’s for your own good.” “I’m trying,” Ashim muttered. She winced at his tone. He had always been so gentle and nice that she never thought that he would be upset at her for asking him to try quitting. “It’s illegal in my country, I’m not used to the idea of you doing it.” “Crazy,” he muttered again. “I know you would rather not waste another year being stuck in high school, so is just for your benefit. It won’t be easy, but I want to help.” He kept quiet. “You know I’m saying this because I care, right?” Alice said, tugging at his scarf. “Please.” Ashim leaned back against a post and sighed. “I know. My mam does the same thing.” * * *
It was the start of Christmas break, and Ashim was returning to Kazakhstan the next morning. He had told her that his Visa had expired, and that he had to fix that. When he first told her about returning home, Ashim had asked Alice, “Would you prefer me to stay?” Stay! Alice screamed in her head, but what came out of her mouth was I think it’d be nice for you to see your family again.
That evening, they wandered around the deserted wing of the mall and sat huddled together on the bench listening to ‘Last Christmas’ on repeat in the background. She rested her head against his shoulders, thinking of how she wouldn’t know what to do with herself when Ashim was gone. After he walked her back, they embraced. Alice sighed into his neck, and he rubbed circles on her back. “You’re a good girl,” he whispered. “You’ll be fine.” “Skype me,” she said, blinking hard as she felt his hand slip out of hers. * * *
Days went by, and he had not replied to any of her emails. At first, she worried about his flight. When she found out that he had updated his Russian Facebook, her concern turned to a series of confusion, anger and pain. It had been a month of restless nights and bad dreams for Alice. She couldn’t help but wonder why he was ignoring her. When she finally saw a reply from him, her heart almost hurtled out of her chest. It turned out that he had sent her a short email about resuming his old lifestyle. Although there wasn’t a single “I miss you”, Alice still felt glad.
When Ashim was finally back, she could barely recognize him. She didn’t even know that he was back. His fair skin looked yellowish and his cheeks were sallow. When he embraced her, she felt foreign in his comfortless, bony frame. “Where are your glasses?” she gasped, when he pulled away. His face was pale and bare without the frames around his eyes that had made him look so much like Harry Potter. Oh no, she thought. He rubbed the edge of his eyes and smiled into the distance. “I got contacts.” Ashim mumbled with a half-smile. There was an awkward silence, then he looked away. “I’ll see you later, I guess.” She didn’t even get the chance to ask him how his trip went. * * *
The night sky was a lagoon of melted tangerine and licorice. Alice stood outside the library and watched faces weave in and out of the crowd. When Ashim didn’t show up at her residence or the library evening after evening, she idly wandered around the area, taking in the smells of street smoke and shwarma in the cold air. Occasionally Alice would mistake someone’s cologne for his scent, and her eyes would prickle with tears.
Earlier in the day, Alice had bravely tried to slip her hand into his but it had felt like she was holding a dead fish. As she burst into tears, she took off before he could say a word. Later, there was a note in her locker saying, “I hate seeing you cry. I wish I was good enough.” Tired and confused, Alice glanced around desperately to find something to quell the soreness she felt inside. Memories of him were etched on every damn thing: the bench, the bus stop, the garden. Now they were all buried in ice and snow. It is going to be a long, cold winter, Alice thought, as she finally got up to leave. |
Nicole Tan is a fourth year student taking a Writing Certificate and a Bachelor of Music.
